Why Me???

You never know what you’re letting yourself in for when you go out with someone for the first time but it just can’t get worse than this…or can it???

1. In a moment of weakness, you agree to substitute for a flu-ridden friend on a blind date arranged online. She insists that he sounded really nice and mysterious and it should be a nice night out so why not?

2. Things get off to a bad start when you ladder your tights leaving work. The spare you normally keep in your drawer has been taken by your office sex symbol – an 18yrs old receptionist called Shaekwonda who is having a drink with the MD’s son. A colleague offers you one but you realise when you get into the car that its fuchsia.

3. You are now so late; you hop into a cab and get to your rendezvous spot. It drops you right in the middle of a giant puddle; ruining your borrowed tights and making your shoes squelch with every step. You get into the nearest shop and buy another pair and hope you’ll have the chance to put them on.

4. After hovering for 25 minutes, you’re accosted by the worst wimp you’ve ever seen, who presents you with a bouquet of wilted flowers and says, “You must be my date, my luck is certainly on tonight.”

5. Hoping no one would recognize you, you keep your head down as you try to decide where to go to for this date of yours. A friends walks by spots you and insists on having a shouted conversation about how much better looking your previous boyfriends/lovers were much to the fascination of passers by.

6. Your taxi driver spends the 10 minute ride to the wine bar telling your date what a hottie he has bagged and how he envies the night he has ahead of him and look how hot her legs are. Your date breaks his silence to chuckle, leer and the same time stretch to drape his arms around you.

7. At the wine bar, Mr. Not At All Hot tries to impress you with his James Bond-like sophistication ordering a dry martini shaken not stirred murmuring, “I taught David Craig everything he knows” as an aside. The bar man mistakes his lifted eye brow for a wink and winks back as you cringe even further.

8. When your partner fails to respond, the barman takes the pleasure of pointing out the sign on the wall which reads “We do not sell spirits, only wines”!

9. This doesn’t put off 007 who proceeds to order who asks for a Bloody Mary, giving the barman a chance to point out once again that they sell only wines.

10. You beat a hasty and embarrassed retreat to a corner table where your date notices that some of your buttons have come undone revealing your lacy bra. The whole bar immediately hears him say he like a woman who knows exactly what she wants and is ready to move the party to his place when you are.

11. You hurriedly leave the wine bar and hail a cab, a crowd of juvies in a car drive by and start yelling at you, your date puts on a macho act and screams abuses back at them. They screech to a halt, threatening physical violence and you only escape by telling the cab driver that you have now managed to stop that you’ll double his fee if he breaks all speed limits.

12. Your date manages to make you guys drive around for about 45 minutes trying to find some haute cuisine restaurant, gives up and settles for Mr. Biggs.

13. While he’s ordering burgers you rush into the bathroom to change into the tights you bought earlier only to discover that they are socks.

14. Contrary to your request he has ordered you a chicken burger instead of beef and a large sugared donut on the grounds that you need fattening up.

15. The acne ridden teenager bussing the tables spills a half empty cup cold coke on your lap. Your date insists on mopping it up with his grubby handkerchief which only spreads it all over your skirt.

16. Your date says fancy a dance and taking your stunned expression for agreement drags you towards the seedy joint next door – a disco full of 18 year olds. You are the only ones above 21.

17. Undeterred by the company and surroundings your man metamorphoses into John Travolta and cavorts around the dance floor singing totally off key. In a fit of primitive ecstasy he throws off his jacket, it lands on the bouncers head. You’re promptly ejected from the premises!

18. As you struggle to another taxi he seizes your arm crying, “The night is still young”. Manhandles you into the local flea pit of a cinema. As you congratulate yourself that no one will see you there you realise he has bought a ticket for 9½ weeks and spends what seems like 9½ months trying to feel you up.

19. Adapting avoidance tactics, you edge as far away as possible from him as you can. Unluckily this brings you in close proximity with a smelly man with bad breath who now sees it as a come on. Movie is only 15 minutes in.

20. You plead a headache and finally manage to get out of the cinema and safely home without having to spend too long fending off your date’s romantic farewells. As you collapse on your bed vowing never to do it again the phone rings. It’s your friend saying that another date has come up, she’s still got a flu and said you’d go in her place.