Yeah, growing up the only daughter of a Christian born again mother with 3 brothers who were absolutely adorable (to her, dont see what she sees in them, Lol) was a pain to say the least! So naturally i rebelled, turned into the monster teenager from hell and my mum matched me step for step! Kudos to her, i started dressing crazy and mouthing off and she promised to embarass me as many times as she could! I love her to death now but i could and would have sold her for a penny then and moved into a foster home. This is dedicated to mothers (and a few fathers) who brought us to maturity the most embarassing way they knew how!

In my early teens we lived in a mini estate and in the flat next to ours were these really hot guys all fresh in Uni living on their own. One evening my mum was going to church and saw me talking with them and shouted for all to hear that i could choose either to come to church with her or she'd lock me in her room till she got back 'cos she would only leave me with those guys over her dead body! Mortifying!!! From then on they would ignore me completely then check if my mum's car was in front of the house, if it wasn't (meaning she was out) then they'd talk to me, first sentence was always, " So where's the warden?"
Hmmmn, good old days!
PS. One of them went on to become a pastor and is my mum's fave, they still keep in touch after 15 years or so!

My mum had the responsibility of picking us up from school and one day i was busy talking about the assignment we'd been given (yeah right) with a class mate outside the school gate when my mama drives up and tells me...to the hearing of the whole school that as soon as the boy gets me pregnant then he'll stop walking me to the gate and i'll really know the wickedness of men. Then turned to the boy and informed him for whatever reason i'm yet to figure out that i have 3 brothers!

In the boobs department i was a late bloomer and then i just started to blow up like i was making up for lost time that it took my brain a while to catch up with what was going on with my body. On Christmans season we'd travelled to the village and my parents decided that i go out with them to seem some relatives i hadn't seen in a while, at this time my boobs seemed to bounce along with my steps but i didn't seem to notice and i guess i figured that if there was a problem my mum would have mentioned it; well this is the one time she stayed quiet. When my "uncle" mentioned that i'd grown so big and he probably wouldn't have recognized me if he hadn't seen me with my parents my dad started frowning and glared at my mum and said yes she's grown so big, why is she still not wearing a bra! I went to the car and sat there through the rest of the visit.

Birthday 1995, new house new neighbourhood so we decide to launch the house on my birthday with a party 'cos my parents were going for some meeting to plan a family friends funeral or some village thing or the other. Booze has been bought by my big bro and hidden around, my mum had cooked and baked "for my 5 friends" who i'd told her would be coming. Then someone comes and tells them the meeting has been cancelled. I almost had a stroke at 14! I go to my mum and confess that we had also invited 5 other new neighbours and she promises to talk to my dad. Well long story short, people didn't start coming until 6 (my dad had said he wanted his house empty at 7 so that he could read his paper at watch News Line), the house was full of guys at least 20 years old from all around the neighbourhood, i think a couple of them were smoking, they were loud, my friend and even my big bro and i looked so little and helpless as they had taken over the house. My dad walks in and tells me how dissappointed he is in me that for friends i have men who should have wives and children at home and then announced that he has a gun and would come down with it if his house isn't empty in the next 2 mins!

1998, Mum stands at the balcony as a male friend (of course) drops me off from JAMB Prep classes and asks him to dare touch me or even chat for a sec and see how hot oil is when boiled...and she dares wonder why i'm still single..they still scared of the oil mama...

Mum bought me the most abominable yellow pants suit to wear for my matriculation in Uni as i insisted that i'd wear trousers... Nuff said!

No Shoes...But I've Got Feet!

At some point in life we all reach the years I choose to call the years of “early unnecessary mid-life self-inflicted crisis”… you know the years where you have issues you think are issues until you have issues such as a child’s entire existence being dependent on you, then school fees, then your kid not wanting to go to college or wanting and going only to think being a Satanist is cool then decide to have a group marriage; 4 people and a horse…or stock market failing and you losing all your money when you’ve just started your sex change, now you’ve taken all the hormones but don’t have any money ‘cos no one will buy your shares you were hoping on cashing in to finish up your metamorphosis; now you’re gonna be a mustached guy with tits, female butt, deep voice and thinning hair… yeah those are real life issues. Yeah, we all think not finding the boots to match the new pair of contacts you just got or even not having the perfect dress to wear to that wedding where that hopeless ex of yours will be at with his new dumb girlfriend that you’re a gazillion times better than is an issue, or maybe we just wish certain things in life came with user guides. Wouldn’t it be great to have the woman’s guide on how to castrate the philandering boss without repercussions, or how to know what’s really going on in his head when he’s brooding or even if she is true or lied that time she said what she said…or you thought she said or…whatever!

I remember a framed picture of a beggar my father brought home one day; it simply read “I used to cry that I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet”! Didn’t make much sense to me at 13, but sitting at my computer wanting to write a completely different kinda note I found my thoughts straying to this phrase again. I might not have boots in colours to match Joseph’s coat, heck I haven’t even worn contacts in 3 or 4 years, I might not have a killer dress and maybe my last ex was so long ago I can’t even remember, philandering or not I’m glad I have a boss, I might not have a man right now to wonder about or even care if you were honest or not, if for that one time you had to lie save me, save yourself or even save the world and other planetary bodies. Right now I’m just happy I have you, my family I hand-picked or maybe that I ran into, for some of you we disliked each other on sight, others we hit it off like a house on fire but I wouldn’t have it any other way because I can call you friend!

The Million Dollar Question

After a lot of pondering and on behalf of all the women in the world I’ve decided to put pen on paper and look for an answer to a particular man-woman issue that plagues all beginnings of relationships or rather mirages of relationships!

Man meets woman, man likes woman, man talks to woman, woman likes man, woman states her position, man with one mission in mind goes on to do what he does best when desperately in need of something – fabricates a story and it begs my question; WHY???
I’ve read a million and one notes about how women should know what it is a man is looking for from the get go, how if he wants you for who you are you’ll know from the very beginning, how we should listen to our heads and not hearts and all I have to say to all of that is bullsh*t! Yes we can think with both sides of our brains, multi task, push a baby out of a few inches of our veejayjay but we still can’t read minds or know what’s going on inside your head neither can we see through your eyes what made you walk up to us in the first place!There are basic questions that a woman (most women) ask when they meet a guy who they feel is “into” them, one of them being “Are you in any way involved with anyone else?” This is in no way a trick question, I can only liken it to asking if it’s raining outside so I can arm myself with an umbrella. When you say to me that its nice and sunny of course I’ll leave my brelly at home. Now how am I supposed to feel when I step out and get drenched to my knickers? What do you think your explanation can do for me then? What explanation could you possibly have in the first place? Of course my clothes will dry off but your “I’m sorry” definitely isn’t gonna do the trick! How about the people who’ll see me and snicker behind my back wondering if I didn’t hear the thunder roll and the lightening flash; will they all hear your apology?
When you look me point blank in the face and lie to me about one simple thing, how then do I believe and trust anything else you have to say? Would I be a b*tch if I asked you to go take a dip in a pirhana infested lake? Maybe if you’d let me know that it was raining I’d have still dared with an umbrella or a raincoat or even nothing at all but then I’d have been in the know on the flip side I might have just stayed in my dry and cosy cabana. Now you can’t know can you? All you do know is you’ve lost a friend or maybe I should say acquaintance ‘cos I know no friend of mine will let me out in the rain!
This applies to all men, rich poor, posh, drab, Greek gods and Quasimodos! For me, I’d rather be with someone who makes me happy that the whole world thinks is full of sh*t than to settle for “Mr. Stable and not so rich or good looking” who gets the worlds approval but will still do me the same. At least I know what I’m up against and know to go out with and umbrella even when the sun from the Sahara Desert has just moved into my neighbourhood!

Now an answer to all your explanations that I might not have been able to say in your face ‘cos I was trying so hard not to hurl a coffee cup at your head and because as I have learnt, my silence can make you squirm while my getting into a conversation with you might just get me to where I was before plus give you the gift of closure where you think we can carry on ‘cos you’ve explained away:

I’m sorry – Really? For lying or getting caught?
I really liked you and didn’t wanna scare you away/lose you – Well do you think you have me now?
I didn’t think it was a big deal – Then why did you lie?
She lives half way across the milkyway – Please get on a rocket and go join her!
We’re having issues – Buckle up, be a man and sort out your sh*t!

I’d like a crystal ball. That way I can figure y’all out and act as consultant for my sistahs and give y’all a lil less grief!

To all of you who have asked or even thought inside your head or out loud; i'm single straight and definitely not looking for you to "complete" me!

The V Word!

All over the world, anywhere that an item or virtue with great mystique is found, you are sure to also find cheating, death, hypocrisy and lies. Now you might wonder what could be mystifying about Virginity and i tell you, everything! The purity of a girl child untouched in a world as convoluted and filthy as ours, the one time shedding of blood that will never happen again, the pride the man feels to know that he was number one (even if she had been kissed and fondled by a bejillion others), the pride of the parents to know they brought up a good girl. It is indeed a mystery and must hold great significance, why else would only the pure of heart and body be chosen as sacrifices to the gods of certain lands as sacrifices of gratitude or plea.

Hymen has gotten its name from the Greek god Hymenaeus. He is believed to be the god of marriages and weddings. If there's an individual that comes to mind when marriages or weddings are referred to, chances are, it is a woman. Every woman cherishes these things, maybe in a number of different ways from one another. But it all boils down to one thing; Marriage and weddings are sacred. This is the reason why the hymen is named after that Greek god Hymenaeus. Hymenaeus is represented as a young man with a wreath of flowers and a torch. He is asked to attend a wedding for it to be fruitful and happy. Else disaster would come about.

In ancient Greece, an unmarried woman could still have sex and be a virgin, provided no one could bear witness to the fact that the deed had been done. Case of “see no evil, know no evil”. And if the woman in question got pregnant, such a birth would be regarded as virgin birth!

Ancient warriors such as Queen Amina of Zaria, Empress Candace of Ethiopia, Nzigha, Amazon queen of Matamba were able to make a name in battle because they refused to relinquish themselves to men by remaining virgins!

In Northern Africa and the Arab world thousands of women are “honourably” killed for not

having their hymen intact on their wedding night for dishonouring their family!

In Morocco, it is obligatory to produce blood stained wedding sheets on the wedding night or the wedding is ruled as null and void and the bride sent packing! For those who do

not know, as part of the marriage rites, the couple are taken into a hut, a white sheet is laid on the bed and the families gather outside for them to finish the deed. When its done, the man is expected to bring out the bloody white sheet and wave as a flag and only then is the marriage rite completed. This has led to the most ridiculous and truly amusing acts to prove that necessity is indeed the mother of invention. Mice and lizards are snuck into these huts and killed with sharp stones, their blood used to stain the sheets and marriage goes on as usual. Truly amazing!

In St Augustine’s theological work, he deliberates that being raped does not add up to loss of virginity as long as one resists with as much strength as one can muster!

For men, long abstinence can have negative psychological and physical effects including poor sexual performance and impotence!
There you go, a woman has finally given you good reason to hump around!

So really, Virginity, are you really all that you are cracked up to be?

Why Me???

You never know what you’re letting yourself in for when you go out with someone for the first time but it just can’t get worse than this…or can it???

1. In a moment of weakness, you agree to substitute for a flu-ridden friend on a blind date arranged online. She insists that he sounded really nice and mysterious and it should be a nice night out so why not?

2. Things get off to a bad start when you ladder your tights leaving work. The spare you normally keep in your drawer has been taken by your office sex symbol – an 18yrs old receptionist called Shaekwonda who is having a drink with the MD’s son. A colleague offers you one but you realise when you get into the car that its fuchsia.

3. You are now so late; you hop into a cab and get to your rendezvous spot. It drops you right in the middle of a giant puddle; ruining your borrowed tights and making your shoes squelch with every step. You get into the nearest shop and buy another pair and hope you’ll have the chance to put them on.

4. After hovering for 25 minutes, you’re accosted by the worst wimp you’ve ever seen, who presents you with a bouquet of wilted flowers and says, “You must be my date, my luck is certainly on tonight.”

5. Hoping no one would recognize you, you keep your head down as you try to decide where to go to for this date of yours. A friends walks by spots you and insists on having a shouted conversation about how much better looking your previous boyfriends/lovers were much to the fascination of passers by.

6. Your taxi driver spends the 10 minute ride to the wine bar telling your date what a hottie he has bagged and how he envies the night he has ahead of him and look how hot her legs are. Your date breaks his silence to chuckle, leer and the same time stretch to drape his arms around you.

7. At the wine bar, Mr. Not At All Hot tries to impress you with his James Bond-like sophistication ordering a dry martini shaken not stirred murmuring, “I taught David Craig everything he knows” as an aside. The bar man mistakes his lifted eye brow for a wink and winks back as you cringe even further.

8. When your partner fails to respond, the barman takes the pleasure of pointing out the sign on the wall which reads “We do not sell spirits, only wines”!

9. This doesn’t put off 007 who proceeds to order who asks for a Bloody Mary, giving the barman a chance to point out once again that they sell only wines.

10. You beat a hasty and embarrassed retreat to a corner table where your date notices that some of your buttons have come undone revealing your lacy bra. The whole bar immediately hears him say he like a woman who knows exactly what she wants and is ready to move the party to his place when you are.

11. You hurriedly leave the wine bar and hail a cab, a crowd of juvies in a car drive by and start yelling at you, your date puts on a macho act and screams abuses back at them. They screech to a halt, threatening physical violence and you only escape by telling the cab driver that you have now managed to stop that you’ll double his fee if he breaks all speed limits.

12. Your date manages to make you guys drive around for about 45 minutes trying to find some haute cuisine restaurant, gives up and settles for Mr. Biggs.

13. While he’s ordering burgers you rush into the bathroom to change into the tights you bought earlier only to discover that they are socks.

14. Contrary to your request he has ordered you a chicken burger instead of beef and a large sugared donut on the grounds that you need fattening up.

15. The acne ridden teenager bussing the tables spills a half empty cup cold coke on your lap. Your date insists on mopping it up with his grubby handkerchief which only spreads it all over your skirt.

16. Your date says fancy a dance and taking your stunned expression for agreement drags you towards the seedy joint next door – a disco full of 18 year olds. You are the only ones above 21.

17. Undeterred by the company and surroundings your man metamorphoses into John Travolta and cavorts around the dance floor singing totally off key. In a fit of primitive ecstasy he throws off his jacket, it lands on the bouncers head. You’re promptly ejected from the premises!

18. As you struggle to another taxi he seizes your arm crying, “The night is still young”. Manhandles you into the local flea pit of a cinema. As you congratulate yourself that no one will see you there you realise he has bought a ticket for 9½ weeks and spends what seems like 9½ months trying to feel you up.

19. Adapting avoidance tactics, you edge as far away as possible from him as you can. Unluckily this brings you in close proximity with a smelly man with bad breath who now sees it as a come on. Movie is only 15 minutes in.

20. You plead a headache and finally manage to get out of the cinema and safely home without having to spend too long fending off your date’s romantic farewells. As you collapse on your bed vowing never to do it again the phone rings. It’s your friend saying that another date has come up, she’s still got a flu and said you’d go in her place.

The Most Irritating Things That Can Happen When You're In the Bath!

I had one too many issues to sort out back home over the weekend and decided to escape to the most private place I could think of – my room! No luck, so I decided to take a bath and hoped that when the knocks on my door received a reply of “I’m in the bathroom” it would end… fat chance! I got out of the bath a while later upset, then almost immediately amused and started thinking of what else could have gone wrong… I’m sure we’ve all experienced at least one of these irritating interruptions;

1. The phone rings. You try to ignore it but eventually drip your way across the bedroom ruining your brand new carpet you only installed the day before, risk pneumonia ‘cos your air conditioner is on sub zero temperature. Just as you reach the phone it stops.

2. The phone rings and keeps on ringing. After doing further damage to your health and carpet you answer the phone to discover it’s a wrong number.

3. You decide to forward your house calls to your mobile hone and bring it into the bathroom with you. The first time it rings it startles you and you knock it into the bath.

4. In the midst of the inelegant process of shaving your legs, the bathroom door opens and your boo walks in. seeing what you’re up to he says “those legs don’t need shaving, they need mowing” and starts laughing at his brilliant sense of humour. He succeeds in running out and closing the door as you hurl a soaked sponge at him. You are left to mop the floor.

5. You have just settled into a steaming bubble bath with a gin and tonic at your elbow when you suddenly remember you have an impromptu meeting at work…and it started 20 minutes ago.

6. You have once again settled into a steaming bubble bath when the doorbell rings. Rushing to the door with the oldest most tattered bathrobe you could find you open the door to find your boss and his wife who you’d been trying to impress by inviting to dinner ever since you heard your name was on his list for a promotion.

7. You have taken your library book into the bathroom in order to have a quiet read. Time passes by pleasantly and you have reached a really exciting point in the story. However, you realise the water is now lukewarm. Leaning forward to turn on the hot tap, you slip and the book falls in. Naturally when you retrieve it, all the pages are stuck together.

8. Just as you are beginning to enjoy your bath you realise you forgot to turn the gas off under your dinner.

9. You lie back contentedly in your lovely hot bath and then you remember that you planned to wash your hair and have left the shampoo you bought earlier in the room. You go down to get it but as you get out of the bath you catch your foot in the chain plug. When you get back the bath is empty and you’ve used up all the hot water.

10. You realise that the only way you can ever have a bath without interruptions is by making sure you’re home alone so you dispatch your family to the stores with a long shopping list - and remember another reason you sent them to the shops is ‘cos you’ve run out of bubble bath!

11. You have returned from the hairdresser with a wonderful new do and before you go out for a posh date you decide to have a luxurious bath. You lean over to turn on the tap – and the shower comes on.

12. Your enjoying a warm bath and sipping on some nice champagne the in comes your boo, sits on the toilet and goes on to have a number 2 while asking how your day has been.

13. You are planning a sexy bath a deux. You’ve even got the bottle of champagne and glasses. In an excess of passion, you knock the champagne bottle and its entire contents, well chilled, into the bath.

14. You and your man are having a romantic weekend away in a hotel. While he goes down to empty the car you decide to have a bath. When there is a knock on the bedroom door you leap out covering your bare essentials in suds to give him a damp passionate kiss, you open the door and its room service here to make sure you have everything you need.

15. Success! You have now achieved what you were beginning to believe was impossible. You have had your bath, washed your hair, shaved your legs. No one has interrupted you. You feel at peace with the world. As you get out of the bath you remember how that morning you decided to put all the towels in the wash so they are all still soaking wet.

16. You have decided to do this properly. Everyone is out of the way, you have your nice music on, bath water is at the right temperature. To enhance the mood you turn out the lights and light a candle. After a delicious 20 minutes, you lazily reach for the soap, knock the candle into the bath and are plunged into total darkness!

17. You get into the bath and reach for soap, bubble bath and shampoo but they are nowhere to be found – they have mysteriously migrated to your lil sisters bathroom, as well as your new fluffy towelling dressing robe.

18. As you peacefully lie in the bathe, the door bursts open and you huge pet dog charges in straight from your muddy garden and leaps into the bath with you.